i used to love the holidays

now i hate them. after having a significant other to celebrate them with for so long, these past 2 holidays have been super empty and just stress filled times that have no sort of meaning or sparkle like they did before.  even though a lot of the time i was unhappy, there were certain things that were fun. certain small things that i could use to distract myself with, and the holidays were one of the times of year that i could surround myself with fake happy things to help me fake being happy. now i dont even bother. why should i? no one to fool anymore. especially not myself. its just been weird. last year my house was for sale so i decided not to decorate, much to the dismay (but i think secret joy) of my ex who knew that i loved the holidays. and this year, with my shit in storage, i dont feel like hauling it out of storage and then up 2 huge flights of stairs to my apt.  i am thinking that i may take bianca up on her idea and just get myself a really nice sized rosemary tree or something like that and decorate it with mini ornaments or something...but probably next year because i am just not feeling it this year.

  i have already figured out what my resolution is for next year. and since i am someone that doesnt believe in resolutions at all, this is quite the juxtaposition...not doing christmas, but doing a resolution...maybe its part of the "new" me or whatever.  but the resolution is to let no one in. to not let my heart get broken this year. to be nowhere near any sort of love or semi love involving situations. i got hurt so badly this past year that i have been in a pretty decent depression. and i just dont want to have to deal with bursting into tears when i hear a random song that never made me cry before, or when i see him talking to someone in a particular way or manner. or when i hear his name or when he is even the slightest bit unattentive or short with me. sometimes even being in the same room or just looking at him makes me want to cry. still....i thought i was over that. but im not. so instead of getting out of the house, i take my muscle relaxers and knock myself out and wake up in a daze the next morning.  all in an attempt to not feel the deep unending sadness that exists because i fell in love with him. and he wasnt there and never was. he didnt want that, and i should have known. i thought it was changing and that he was letting me in. he wasnt. i was just convincing myself that he was. or maybe he was and he freaked out when he realized it, and he put this 4ft thick steele wall between us to make sure that it didnt continue.  all i know is that i am further away from him now, than before i even knew him. and it kills me. litterally. i have never been this upset for so long over someone before. and i just dont think  he gets it. i dont think that he realizes that i would do anything in the world for him. though i have told him and he has acknowledged it, i just dont think he truly gets how profound it is. or maybe he does and he cant deal with it, or doesnt want to deal with it. either way, im crushed completely, and have been for about 6 months now. its horrible.

and because of this, this past year, i have decided to not let love in. in any sort of fashion. sure im sure i may have a few drunken random hook ups, im not saying that cant or wont happen, but the feelings, the emotion, the caring....im not letting that happen. i did this year, and it was wasted and thrown back in my face and used against me. i wear my heart on my sleeve and it gets ripped and torn to shreds. im done with it. i dont even want a heart anymore. i dont want to have to feel like this. it just sucks.

a time machine, i need one...

how do i deal with this kinda stuff because i seem to be way too forward sometimes, okay, a lot...and i just say what i think or feel. on one hand it always lets people know where they stand with me, but on the other, it shows my hand of cards, and i never have anything in my back pocket...so...i've been into this guy for waay too long now, and i have been repeatedly hurt by him.  i took a break for about a month and a half and had almost zero communication with him, i did not hang out where he would be and i stayed completely away from him....and i went back a couple of weeks ago. i thought it was disasterous. but i was told that it was nice to see me and that he was glad i came in to see him.  then last week after my car was broken into, he was trying to be nice in a stupid way and pissed me off.  i have been pissy/bitchy with him ever since.  i kinda feel like, why should i be nice? you say we are friends, yet you wont do the "friend" stuff with me that you do your other friends.  i try to keep it distanced to make sure that you are comfortable and that you dont think that i am falling for you again, and you get shitty with me for it. you have this stupid jealousy thing going on that you wont admit to yet everyone that ever sees me around you picks up on it immediately. why? if you dont want anything like that with me, why get that way? what am i supposed to do? i am completely and totally in love with him. but i am working on the just friends thing and distancing everything...so what am i supposed to do? i want to be friends. i want to have him in my life in some sort of capacity. but its not fair to me. its not fair that he gets to do whatever he wants and im not allowed to have a say or an opinion about it, but if i do anything that he doesnt like or anything that makes him not the center of my world, he gets pissy about it.  stop it.  when i bring that up to him, he just gets bitchy and defensive and says that i am completely wrong. well, i am not the only one that sees it. people bring it up to me without me saying a word about it. its not me. its him. and its not fair for him to know that i would do anything in the world for him, and him to use it like that.  i miss what we once had. i just want to go back  in time. go back to when it was easy. or easier. simpler. happier. back to then, and to not have what did happen, happen and to just keep it nice and wonderful. to take away all of the shit from this summer ,and to just be happy again. thats what i want.