bleh

that's me lately. bleh. i don't know what the deal is. i have been having major panic attacks lately, that i think i finally got under control this week, and i am wondering if that is a part of it. i am just completely apathetic about EVERYTHING right now. food, drinks, activities, clothes, what i read, i have no opinion, i don't care, i don't want to do anything or feel like it. i don't even really feel like putting up with my friends right now. it's a really weird place to be in. i want to be out and about, and i kind of want company, but not bad enough to do anything about it. i just can't figure out why i'm in this rut or even what i can do to get out of it. the only thing i seem to be content with is sleeping. and i don't know if that is because of the meds, or because i am completely bored and that's all that i feel like putting any effort into - sleeping.

i have to say that i am looking forward to going to the beach next weekend, to get away from everything that i seem to NOT be doing here lately. at least it will be a change of scenery to do nothing at. at least while doing nothing laying on the beach i can get a tan and read a book...

and the problem is, if something exciting were to actually happen right now, i don't know how excited i would really get about it. because nothing interests or excites me right now. i'm going to a show tonight. it's a band that i really like, i have a plus 1 on my guest list slot...and i'm taking exactly - no one. because i don't care.

i have said this a million times before and i feel that it is the utmost truth - the opposite of love is NOT hate, it is apathy. hate is too strong of an emotion to be the opposite of love. if you once loved a person and you then hate them, you still have feelings too closely tied to that person, in essence making hate not the opposite. to have no feelings tied to a person is apathy. so i don't love my life right now, i don't hate, but i seem to be very apathetic about it.

i hope i can snap out of it soon. cause it's really boring.